That's what I thought, I was hoping there'd be some sort of ability to track a "heartbeat" with osquery, but realizing the fallacy of using a system to check it's own health is sort of a lolwut

What do you mean? There are several places you can get either a timestamp, or an increasing number if you’=r trying to track health.

I mean, using osquery to see if osquery isn't sending events to a remote system is a little silly and I should've had my coffee first before asking 🙂